One man’s stand against legendary film-making.

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Good morning to you. It is 9:18am on a bright and sunny morning and today I will be tackling Mr Paul Verhoeven’s song to the world, Showgirls.For those curious as to why I’d do this please find out.

Since first mentioning my intention to carry out this herculean task I have been asked several times whether there are rules involved, and much in the same way that an unaided expedition to the south pole doesn’t count if you pack more than a huskie and a Swiss Army Knife™ there are rules involved in an activity such as this.

Rule #1 : Defining back to back. Each run of the movie must start at the beginning and finish at the end of the closing credits. As soon as the credits finish, the movie must start again.

Rule #2 : Pay attention. I must devote a minimum of 75% of my attention to this movie. This means that the use of heavy amounts of alcohol, phone conversations and other distractions is not permitted.

Rule #3 : The pause button. I am permitted to use the pause button for one 3-minute break during each run of the movie. How I use these 3 minutes are up to me.

Rule #4 : Logging the experience. During the credits run each time I am to update this message with a general feeling on how it was. When the credits finish, back to work.

Rule #5 : Breaking the rules. If any of these rules are broken, the attempt is a failure and must be discarded.

Without further ado, it’s time to go. I envisage I’ll be back in around 128 minutes.

Post-viewing #1
Time is now 11.33am. Seriously, whose idea was this? The credits are currently rolling in the background and I’m already feeling more stupid than I did previously. I had forgotten how long this film is. It got to the bit where Woodentop Berkley became the lead dancer and I thought “thank god, nearly there” but nooooo not so, there’s a whole superfluous story about some rock star raping her friend bit tacked on.

Do you know why it’s tacked on? DO YOU KNOW WHY? Purely so they can create some kind of arbitrary reason for her wanting to leave town so she can be picked up by the guy who gave her a lift at the beginning! It’s the only reason.

Mad props go out to Jack Marino who was the property master on this film. I mention it not out of any kudos for the property mastery, but because that’s the stage of the credits I’m at.

Four more to go. I can do this. Expect my return at around 2pm I figure.

Post-viewing #2
I see what I’m doing now. Tis 1.44pm, just completed the second run, and this time rather than passively sitting there letting it wash over me I’ve been analysing it, the characters, the motivations, all that crap I learned in university. The conclusion I’ve come to is that is a terrible film.

Elizabeth Berkley cannot act. Kyle Maclachlan has really stupid hair. Gina Gershon cannot dance. Why does Woodentop paint her areolas red before going to whack the poodle-haired rock singer? I DON’T KNOW! IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE.

Character I sympathise with most : the dressmaker chick, although only until about halfway through.

“Hottest” female in the movie : not sure. I think it might be the braided-haired dancer who sits next to the protagonist in the dressing room, but to be honest I just want them all to put their clothes back on.

Three to go. Head is feeling a bit fuzzy. The paying attention rule really sucks.

The location grip equipment was supplied by Gypsy Grips Inc. Bless them.

Post-viewing #3
It doesn’t make any sense! For crying out loud, what’s the point? Really? She turns up, gets the gig she’s after, turns down the “artistic” dance guy (which is really more thinly veiled stripping), gets the big gig then fucks off hitching in the way she came in. Why bother?

This is putting aside the fact that she’s psychotic. The constant flick-knifing, throwing chips/fries everywhere, flipping out for no good reason all the time, she should be in a nice safe padded cell.

My mind is in pain.

Gary Combs, stunt co-ordinator, you the man!

Two left to go. You don’t quit when you’re near the summit right? RIGHT!?

Post-viewing #4
I thought I’d share some of the most choice lines from this movie with you.

“THRUST IT! THRUST IT! COME ON THRUST IT!”

Mmmm I’ll be using that one on a daily basis from here on out.

“It must be weird for them not to come on you”

Yuhuh.

Seriously Joe Eszterhas, you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself. How do you sleep at night having written this shit.

Music Editor Richard Whitefield, great job! Hope you’re still working.

Five was definitely the right number to choose, I’m not sure I can take much more.

Post-viewing #5
I am superior to other mortals.

I have achieved something I can honestly swear has not been accomplished by any other living being. For good reason.

The moral of the story is quite straight forward; if your father shot your mother, then himself, meaning that you were brought up in a foster home which you subsequently ran away from to embark on a life of prostitution in Denver, San Jose and Cheyenne then getting involved in crack and violent crime, before hitching a ride to Vegas where you luggage is stolen and you become a stripper before landing a job as an exotic dancer finally become lead exotic dancer but deciding it wasn’t worth is and jacking it all in, kill yourself. As soon as possible.

Showgirls is the worst movie I have ever seen. Now five times, back to back.

For my next trick I will be consuming a lot of scotch.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, September 17th, 2006 at 11:25 am and is filed under 10 Things. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.