Have I got a deal for you!
I wise man once wrote, “Attention bloggers! Get over yourselves, nobody is going to spam you!“. That wise man was me. Said wise me also had his own head firmly entrenched up his primary rear-facing cavity.
Despite this marvellous site receiving almost several visitors a month it has been deemed a viable commercial target for several companies offering a wide range of services some of you fine people might be interested in.
Sadly, rather than ask about my highly agreeable advertising rates (err, make me an offer) or simply jumping in on the free-for-all advertising Mecca that is the Sams Leaderboard (note to future joiners : if your site isn’t interesting I won’t list it. All blogs are interesting. Flogging snooze-inducing tshirts is not) the marketing geniuses of the internet have chosen to use the comments system of this site to flaunt their wares.
Sadly, the only person who reads the comments studiously is me. However I shall now investigate in real time the services you are offering at what I’m sure are highly competitive rates.
Let’s start at the beginning.
So, in the update entitled Stop Listening to Crap we are offered a variety of wonderous playthings. However they all link to Madam Google. Messrs Pucztvly, Ljue, Kjgm, Utkaxbw and Xuhwl seemed to have a lot to say for themselves but ran afoul of the Tower of Babel somewhere down the line and their actual offering is a little confused. Maybe they got stuck into listening to Black Monk Theme and couldn’t stop their fingers a’dancin on the keyboard. At any rate they all left email addresses, so I’ve dropped each of them a line to find out what they’re after.
Next, in What’s that noise? a somewhat dull update by recent standards, a nice chap by the name of Semen dropped by to compliment me on my site, not one but three whole times! He must be a big fan. He also mentioned he’d be taking me out for a pint next time we met which is super-generous. Apparently he has a website of his own now!
From the sound of the various URLs he offers to get to his online services, he’s into peddling something naughty of the scantily clad, multi-X variety. Normally I’d shun such sites, however in the name of research I plunged in only to find that he wasn’t actually selling anything at all. Not a thing. Instead he has one of those super sites-that-are-nothing-but-links-that-you-always-stumble-across-when-looking-for-something-with-Madam-Google-but-are-actually-completely-and-utterly-useless. Gee! And I could have really used some phentermine right now.
As luck would have it, in the very same post a good friend of me called John dropped by to give me the simple word “phentermine” with a link. What a happy coincidence! Sadly, the link is a 404. Gutted!
A couple more of my friends, Driver, Mark and Maxx (he’s almost too cool) dropped by in a similarly monosyllablic mood advising “online casino”, “casino a” and “valium” respectively. I respond to them “matress”.
The same guys, who were clearly big fans of mine even though I couldn’t recollect ever meeting them before (some friend I am!) dropped by a week later in Recruiting for the Legion of Sam (acronym pending) to remind me about “casino b” (possibly an upgrade to casino a) more “phentermine” and some more “valium”. I know I get a little over-excited once in a while, but I prefer scotch. Weapons-grade pharmaceuticals don’t rock my boat these days. Oh, and Semen dropped by again with another half dozen links to nothing. Cheers Semen, you’re a pal! (Proclivitarian task : insert the previous into conversation today.)
Semen wasn’t done though. He’d figured that I still wasn’t quite taken with phentermine so came to advise me of more dubious sounding places I could find links to places I could potentially search for it.
Then it dawned on me. He wasn’t trying to sell my phentermine, he was desperately trying to find some! And with his last ounce of strength, fighting off heavy phentermine withdrawl my site was the only place he felt safe to ask.
Fret not Semen! I shall help you!
Meanwhile, Bob, Kelvin, Mark and His Wife popped by to yell “ONLINE CASINO!” and “XANAX” clearly in quite an urgent fashion.
However things stepped up a gear, uncannily enough in The Leaderboard Steps Up A Gear. Semen, still gasping for a hit of phentermine, as usual, but also Daddy, Settor, Ganry, Barbara, Sad, Maxx (seriously cool) and John all swung by to bring up to speed on the latest online casino and chemical opportunities. However, we also attracted a fresh bunch of numpties offering a wide variety of REALLY APPEALING things, from bad-credit-home-loan-refinance (their hyphernating, not mine for once) and a whole slew of awesome sounding web cam sites.
Sadly, my limits for thoroughness do not extend to checking a site named “15 year old web cam girls”, so I dropped the link off at
CyberAngels.
Apologies for the bad taste in mouth moment there. Normal service will now resume.
Also contained within the same set of comments were two (or was it one using several names?) chaps who wished to voice their discontent at something. Their comments covered – “you have the most shitest advise get bent and get fucked you dum fat cunt”, and “i want you to suck my cock bitch suck it hard and long”. Gee. Before pressing on it’s worth noting that it’s spelt “dumb” amigo. And “shittest” for that matter. Not quite sure what a cock bitch is either, or if I really fancy sucking one. Guess it depends on what flavours are available. However I am curious as to why the vehemence in slating yours truly? Could it possibly be, surely not, that you found this site due to the article on a certain hotel in the French capital that had gone up only a couple of days beforehand? Not quite what you were looking for? Good good. Now run along.
This brings us almost up to date with Anatomy of a Proclivitarian. A right rivetting read if ever there was one. Certainly some folks seemed to think so and quickly jumped in to offer Wholesale Shoes (because one or two pairs is never enough, give me a hundredweight!), various share dealing things and yet more insurance. I am clearly a demographic of some kind. Probably the takes-the-piss-then-deletes-all-your-crap kind of demographic.
Sell me something by all means! I am not to be trusted with any offer of something I want in exchange for cash. But I’m not interested in insurance (covered), stock dealing (covered), wholesale quantities of shoes (don’t tell the wife), or only-available-over-the-internet-pharmaceuticals (I used to get mine from a very nice chap called Roo. Don’t know if he has a website, somehow I doubt it).
So, to summarise, my apologies to bloggers everywhere. You really should make things worse for the innocent commenters by putting your comments behind registration because, as everyone knows, sacrificing some freedom for extra security only makes the world a better place.
Actually, bollocks to that sentiment. No registration required to comment. Just don’t blow the place up okay?
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