Amblers
Tis the season to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.
Ho ho ho punters.
Yes, the festive time of year is upon us again, and despite having dealt with all that Christmas present consumerism that is forced upon me annually a month or more ago (the internet is everyone’s friend, mostly) I still find myself required to go to where there are “shoppers” on a daily basis.
But before I get onto that, a word or two on the subject of gifts.
All of you pay attention, because this is important. Getting gifts right is VITAL to the success of any relationship, because it allows you to demonstrate the following, in order of difficulty :
1 – you care enough to buy a gift
2 – you remembered to buy a gift when it was required
3 – you spent time, thought or money on the other person
4 – you can still surprise someone after all this time
5 – you know them well enough to pick out something that is ideal
So, buying a box of chocolates on Valentines Day for your girlfriend is a start. However taking her for a day out window shopping somewhere cool, followed by a meal, a movie and then in the car on the way back handing over her favourite chocolates with the line “sorry, I only got you a box of chocs, but wanted to make an event out of it” is better. You’re invited at that point to ask what she got you.
Yes ladies, if you expect us humble men to go above and beyond for Valentines we expect a bit more than “thanks” as a result. You have to go to the same effort as me, or I’m outta here.
Digression digression.
Right, shopping generally, particularly at this time of year. For the sake of fairness, the following demographics are excluded from the forthcoming tirade : old people, people with pushchairs, people with kids (see caveat), people with a physical handicap of some fashion which makes them less mobile.
However the rest of you fuckers, listen up.
The purpose of shopping is as follows, stop me if it gets too complicated for you :
1 – find the thing
2 – buy the thing
3 – get the fuck out
Shopping does not include :
1 – walking very slowly so that nobody can pass you
2 – holding two different manufacturers products side by side wondering which is better
3 – having a conversation with anyone
4 – spending more time than is absolutely necessary doing it
Right, some of you are going to call me on some of those, I can feel it, so I’ll prove you wrong :
*mind wanders*
“What did I come in here for again?”
“HI-EX!!!!”
“Oh look, this one is cheaper”
“So buy it”
“But I came for this one”
“So buy that one”
END OF FUCKING STORY.
“Hey Sam! I’ve not seen you in ages! How’s it going?”
“Hey long lost friend, gotta run. Call me.”
*tosses business card and gets the fuck out*
On the subject of more time than is absolutely necessary, here is the criteria for identifying the amount of time that is necessary :
1 – time to talk to the isle that has the item you want (under 2 mins)
2 – time to acquire item (<30 seconds)
3 - time to queue, pay, get the fuck out (circa 5mins)
That's it, 10 mins or less per store. Any more of that and you're in violation of the no-more-time-than-is-necessary rule. See me if uncertain, I give practical demonstrations.
So, onto supermarket shopping. This is infinitely more hazardous, because you are confronted by the same ignorant peons who violate rules 1-4 habitually, except they're equipped either with shopping carts or baskets, thus increasing their ability to get in the way.
In these circumstances the rule is simple - supermarket shop like you're driving your heavily injured mother to hospital - she isn't going to make it unless you fucking floor it so let's go!
This is made significantly easier by knowing what you need to buy in advance, yes, bring a list for chrissakes. A note here - you will undoubtedly miss the item "corn flour" until you've passed the isle in question. Should you go back? Yes, absolutely or you'll be wearing your knackers as earings when you get home (and be forced to go back to get it - nobody wants to have to supermarket shop twice). Park your shopping trolly somewhere reasonably out of the way where it won't annoy anyone (women's hygiene is a good one to go for) and go without it. You'll go faster and can avoid the meandering twats who don't know what they came in for.
If you were foolish enough to enter a supermarket shopping experience with no list, here are some basic truths : 1 - you will spend more than you expect, 2 - you'll not pick up the one vital thing you cannot do whatever it is you came in here to buy things to do something with without, 3 - it'll take you twice as long.
The advice here, is again, exceptionally simple : use a basket. Don't take a shopping trolly for the love of god because you'll become ONE OF THEM. The use of a basket assures several things - firstly that you can move at speed, which is ideal for impulse purchases, second, you'll run out of space which helps keep the cost down (but since you always tend to sling a bottle of tequila or something equally cheerful in the basket, the price is over your budget anyway), third, it allows you to hit the "baskets only" checkout queue at exactly the moment you asked yourself "WHY DID I COME IN HERE!? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET OUT OF MY WAY!!"
When you've acquired everything you need to hit the checkouts. Here is the formula for deciding which queue to join : fewer customers is better than fewer items. The folks operating the checkouts at supermarkets spend the entire day scanning random shit - they're good at it. The average shopper at a supermarket, on the other hand, makes paying for their goods a 5 act opera (plus encore). I equate each customer to approximately 25-30 items of shopping. There for :
t=((s*c)/i)/a
Where t is the time spent queuing, s then number of shoppers ahead of you in the queue, c the constant 25 items to which each shopper equates, i the number of items and a the rating your would give the shop assistant.
This is again a scientific process. Young supermarket checkout wranglers tend to be after-school kids on training. Give them an effectiveness rating of 2. Then you have the 20-something, frequently female, with the dour expression. These are also low rated because they don’t care, a 4 rating. Then comes checkout Mecca – the 30-50 something checkout pro. A 10 rating if ever there was one, or an equally desirable choice, the post-retirement part-time job employee, who is maybe a 6 or 7 but makes up for it by being very friendly indeed.
I’ll give the retired one thing with no hesitation, they really know how to work in the service industry. Take their fucking time ambling roung a supermarket doing their shopping though.
The last note on this subject before I go and take painkillers (just because) – if you have kids and take them to the supermarket you have a golden opportunity to teach them something important, and it can be phrased in two ways according to the kind of parent you are. Ready?
Option 1 – “Timmy, don’t stand there, you’re getting in the way of other shoppers. See? People try to get out of here as quickly as possible because supermarket shopping is what Dante was trying to describe in his poem about the ninth circle of hell.”
Option 2 – “MOVE TIMMY, LET’S GET OUT OF HERE. GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO. GET OUT OF MY WAY FUCKERS I’M SHOPPING HERE. KEEP UP TIMMY!!! RUN! RUN!!!”
So say we all.
(this article with kind regards to Lala)
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