Creative abuse of technology for the betterment of mankind.

Once in a while, usually much later than every bugger is doing it, I jump on some fad craze thing that is sweeping the nation with the aim of turning it against itself in the name of amusement.
Continue reading “Don’t Worry It Might Never Happen” »

Bring me your ignorant, your gullible, your easily lead masses.

Yes, yes, I need to update more often, but as with most things unless I’m suitably inspired there’s precious little point.

And let’s be honest here, by inspired what I actually mean is pissed off. While there may actually be occasions where I write about something entertaining, or otherwise try to flog some hairbrained scheme or other, for the most part this stuff flows easily when I’m hacked off.

So. I’m hacked off.

When did this country become so utterly dumb? When did it become normal for people with no discernable talent, no great personality, no particular ability and perish the thought any intellect to be the pinnacles of aspiration? When did we decide that further divisions were the way forward rather than further unification? When was it, exactly, that we had to be spoon fed our opinions rather than make them for ourselves?

There’s quite a lot in this one, and it’s not all one subject, but it’s all around the same theme – the dumb are taking over, and it seems to be being encouraged.

So, where to start? Okay, so I just finished reading Everything Bad Is Good For You which, I am reliably informed, I am late to the party in reading. Screw you people, I read it because it looked interesting, not because I was supposed to. Anyway, the primary assertion of this book is that advances in popular culture – TV, movies, games, etc – are advancing the intellect of the masses, and it makes for a reasonably convincing argument, except that said popular culture is becoming less intelligent rather than more. I would argue that rather than aiding intelligence, the advances in popular culture may well be making the great unwashed more sophisticated in terms of what we understand, but actually doing precious little to further our intelligence.

This hasn’t really got much to do with the main thrust of today’s bout of yelling, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

So. Celebrity Big Brother. Let’s get the obvious stuff out of the way first. Cleo FTW!!!!11 obviously. It’s dumb. They’re hardly celebrities. Yes, it was racist. Yes, it was bullying. Yes, I am ashamed of my countrywomen for their behaviour in front of their fellow celebrities from India and the US. No, I don’t watch it, but I did tune in to catch this evening’s events out of curiosity and somewhat morbid delight.

Morbid delight? Yes indeed, for unless this country has gone completely to the dogs (excuse the parallel here) then Ms Jade Goody will curse our tabloids, TV screens and vapid magazines no further. Is she a racist? Probably not. Is she thick? Oh yes, a double digit IQ if she’s lucky. Were the comments racist? Yes they were.

Ms Goody’s rise to fame was from the singular phrase “I’M NOT A MINGAAAAA”. I, for one, beg to differ, however that is not the issue here. For some reason, ever since her departure from Big Brother whatever-number-it-was she has become beloved by, it seems, the entire country, for being simple-girl-done-good material. BULL SHIT. She is the latest Spice Girl *spits bile from mouth* – created, manufactured and perpetuated by the media.

Mr Garvey, who frequents this site in the comments section once bought an album of covers by Simple Minds. Upon first listening he, like I thought it was, and I quote – “dog shit bad”. And you’d think, at this point said CD would find itself hurled from the nearest window or, at the very least, filed in the depths of a wastebin. But no, instead he proceeded to listen to it until he liked it. In his own words he brainwashed himself into liking the album. Marc, my friend, it was shit the first time we listened to it, it was shit every time you listened to it. It was, is and forever will be shit. To quote my sainted mother in law “I thought you were supposed to be quite bright?”

I digress.

Effectively Jade has been given the same treatment as said Simple Minds Album. She’s been put in front of the receptive TV viewing, “Hello” reading masses so many times that for some reason they like her. WHY? What can there possibly be that makes her in any way someone to be looked up to? “She’s not had it easy” so what? Neither has that guy sleeping in the doorway of Threshers but I don’t see you asking for his autograph. “She’s got where she is through determination. If she can do it, any of us can.” Nonsense. She caught the wave of BB feeding frenzy and was pushed along it by the tabloids – did she cleverly mastermind her ascent to glory? I doubt very much she could mastermind her ascent of a flight of stairs.

She was a commodity, manufactured by bastards and consumed by cretins. And I for one will be dancing on the media grave for her when the current feeding frenzy has passed. Your 15 minutes are up dumbass, now fuck off back to Romford where you belong.

And before I’m coated in accusations of elitism, I am elitist in terms of what I like (sometimes – I do have a fondness for shit movies, but that’s a different story), but I don’t necessary advocating the herding of the gormless into gas chambers. What I am strongly opposed to is the deification of what effectively amounts to a waste of skin.

So, moving on. This week I hear tell that there is a move for England to get it’s own parliament. Wow, the geniuses really have all left the country. Tell you what, why stop there? I’d quite like to see Felixstowe have its own parliament. No, better yet, my house. I want my own house to be declared independant from everything else. I will name myself Grand High Overlord of Samland and rule with wisdom and compassion. Okay so maybe I do that anyway, but the point is made.

Listen up folks, I’ll make this really simple for you – all you St George flag waving morons need to understand something fundamental here : someone, somewhere is going to be in charge of where you live. They’re going to tell you what to do, how much tax to pay and what gods you’re allowed to worship. They’ll look after your bins, have a go at educating your offspring and send the police round when you’re playing Achey Breaky Heart at volumes louder than a jet engine at 2am on a Tuesday. You probably won’t have ever met any of them. You probably won’t have voted for the collection of self serving, corrupt, non-progressive party they represent, you probably won’t trust them. You’ll probably be a bit annoyed about all of that and more.

So. What difference does it make where this untrustworthy ruler resides? Does it make a difference if they live in your street? How about if they lived in your town? Your country? Your continent? Your planet?

That’s right, there’s precious little difference between one pompous untrustworthy maggot who tells you what to do who works in London and another pompous untrustworthy maggot who tells you what to do who works in Brussels, or Beijing, or wherever.

The only thing we benefit from having a broader spectrum of people under a single untrustworthy system of governance is that everywhere will gradually start to operate under the same set of rules. If the entire world were under a single government we wouldn’t have needed to invade Iraq to steal its oil, we’d have just imported it. We wouldn’t have had some crazed personages representing their way of life flying planes into buildings because they’d be protesting about a way of life which is the same as their own.

You see where I’m going here, I’m sure. This is not an argument in favour of westernising every culture on the planet, because I’m not a big fan of western culture. However, if Bulgaria had the same opportunities for prosperity that the UK does we wouldn’t have the facist gutter press informing us of an imminent influx of foreign, job-stealing immigrants. They’d prefer to use the term “subhuman scum” but we wouldn’t stand for it yet – they’re softening us up for the time when that kind of description is much more acceptable.

“But I want to reinforce my identity of being English”. Just go to any foreign country, friend, and go down the street with your chums yelling “ONE WORLD CUP AND TWO WORLD WARS DOO-DAH DOO-DAH” and you may consider that mission complete.

Alternatively you could stand in the park and regale us all with your interpretations of Shakespeare. Or maybe sit and listen to Benjamin Britten and read some Byron. OR IS THAT TOO FUCKING DIFFICULT FOR YOU?

So why exactly, are the finest minds in the country (or the government, as I prefer to call them) even entertaining the idea of further seperating this collection of countries of ours? What will it accomplish other than raising the cost of governing? Well, it might just win you the next election. Alex Salmond, of the Scottish National Party, is particularly pushing this independance thing. Here’s a thing – is the Scottish National Party similar to the British National Party or is that just a fluke of naming preference?

I’ve got nothing against the Scottish in the slightest. I like them just fine. Just like I’m fond of Germans. Or Americans. Or the Chinese. Or ANYBODY. But what we don’t need is any further seperation. We need to be working to become more the same. We don’t, after all, go to war against people who are the same as us. At least not any more. At least not until I raise my fearsome army from Samland and invade Norfolk.

YOU HEAR ME NORFOLK? YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED!

So, in closing, this whole country is going to shit. We encourage people to worship in the cult of celebrity. Sell them popularist concepts such as segregation of formerly unified nations. Force feed them scaremongering stories of horror to keep them nervous and locked inside. Watch them on CCTV to keep them safe.

But don’t worry!

There’s a sale on at DFS. And you really need a new sofa.

There are a lot of people on my list of first against the wall, and rightly so.