Don’t Worry It Might Never Happen
Creative abuse of technology for the betterment of mankind.
Once in a while, usually much later than every bugger is doing it, I jump on some fad craze thing that is sweeping the nation with the aim of turning it against itself in the name of amusement.
I call this kind of behaviour Creative Mischief, and in this, the first article detailing some Creative Mischief I have messed around with, I encourage you all to give it a whirl to see the effect. Not because it will necessarily bring you spiritual fulfillment, or indeed give you many laughs, but you will be spreading a positive message that just might change someone’s day. Or not. Probably not on reflection.
Today class, the lesson is on the hi-tech giggles associated with bluejacking. Yes, I’m not exactly a pioneer in this art, however I am using a slightly different approach to the game than most do.
For the uninformed amongst you bluejacking is the sending of unsolicited text messages from your mobile phone to someone else’s. I know, radical stuff, almost like leaving a note on their desk made from cut up pieces of newspaper, however the pure fun from this game comes from not knowing who you are jacking when you do it.
Effectively, when sending the message you get the option of transmitting it via bluetooth which, let’s face it, hasn’t got any practical applications other than making you look like a pillock by using a hands-free earpiece kit thing. When transmitting your phone will check the local area for any other bluetoothed phones and give you a list of their ID’s usually either the name of the owner, or the model of the phone. You then simply pick your target from the list and fire away.
There is, I am informed by the sites dedicated to this bushido-like art, an etiquette involved in this act of jolly-rogerdom which is basically along the lines of “don’t be an asshole”. I paraphrase, naturally, however it effectively means don’t be rude, threatening, lacivious or… an asshole.
Most of the currect bluejacquelines out there tend to use messages along the lines of “AVAST – YOU BE BLUEJACKED!” or words to that effect. Basically telling their victim that they have been bluejacked by means of bluejacking. Now it could just be me, but I think this may be labouring a point somewhat.
I have, therefore, taken a slightly different approach to the situation. As you may have suspected already.
I have constructed several well thought out, uplifting and generally helpful messages to transmit to the unwary when the time is right. I also include the address of this very internet place of interest so they may retaliate in kind if they wish. Although if I’m honest with myself, the advice offered tends to be so lifechanging that they’re grateful more than anything else.
My favourite place to conduct this form of modern-day Dick Turpinary is Liverpool Street station, as there tends to be a good few thousand people there giving me lots of targets, and ease of anonymity. Plus I have to go through the station each week, so this is a happy coincidence.
The messages I have constructed are as follows :
“Don’t worry, it might never happen.”
“Listen to the voices.”
“Don’t believe the hype.”
“Hooray! We’re all still alive.”
…and for special occasions (see below)…
“Kindly switch your phone off.”
I see you, dear reader, nodding along in agreement with these courses of action, and being tempted to give it a whirl for yourself. But wait! There is important information you should know before continuing!
You cannot simply advise a random stranger to not believe the hype. After all, this may send them into a deep philosophical crisis. You should select carefully who to send each message to. “And how” I hear you cry, “do I select the right message for the right jackee?”
Again, this is elementary. You have their identities in front of you. Simply match the name to the phrase in question. Someone who has named their telephone “xx HotShirley xx” is most likely quite chipper today, so is more likely to be receptive to a positive message and, given the “hot” aspect of her name, should be encouraged to do something reckless – maybe even in your direction – thus the message “Listen to the voices” is the natural choice. CAUTION – THE NAME PEOPLE GIVE THEIR TELEPHONE MAY BE A LIE. DESCRIBING ONESELF AS “HOT” MAY SIMPLY BE AN INDICATION OF A MEDICAL CONDITION RESULTING IN A HIGH TEMPERATURE. That said, use your instincts.
The other boon of using a station, or similar thoroughfare, is that you can play hit-and-run-philosophy-dropping. Given that bluetooth has a range of around 30 feet, you can randomly browse through the names of people and get them while they’re in range! Be quick! Moving traffic will be out of range often before you’ve had time to determine which message is right for them!
The final option of textual messagery I reserve for a certain type of telephone user who believes it is acceptable to sit in a train carriage or similar public conveyance with their chums listening to SOME FETID GODAWFUL CRAP TUNES through the tinny little speaker on the phone at maximum volume. A simple request to switch their phone off, which they will be aware of since the “you have a message” sound will be at the same volume as the “song” in question often gets results. Track down the right phone user for this request tends to be easy – look for the name of the user which sounds like it was thought by a pox-ridden chimp.
Should said user fail to respond to the initial request (and assuming you chose the right target) you have the option of taking a more direct approach. Simply resend the message every 5 seconds until the pikey godless bastard complies with your suggestion. Xtina doesn’t sound so great with the godforsaken Nokia tune being mixed in randomly 12 times a minute, after all. Not that the harpy sounds that great to begin with, but you get the idea.
So, in closing, a few facts :
- if the phone has the make and model as its ID, it belongs to a man. For men do not read manuals because we instinctively know everything there is to know – except how to name the bluetooth portion of the phone. Or how to switch bluetooth off. Or why we’re being told not to worry as it might not happen.
- sending a message by bluetooth is free.
- doing this stuff makes you feel 20 years younger. Up until this point you never had a reason to endless piss about with your phone like every teenager (and my wife) insists on doing. You too can feel like part of generation Z.
- you can drop the antics of your bluejackery into conversation and feel hip, and on the pulse and slightly better informed than your co-workers.
- you can suggest it as a form of viral marketing to easily lead marketing people who think that social networking is THE PLACE TO BE despite not realising that most of it is a cess pool.
So there you go. The first in what will be a series of ways to misbehave when bored coming soon to this very site. Don’t just read this and chuckle a little. Go out and try it. I nailed a good 40 people in an hour earlier today, and got a few puzzled looking responses in wonderment, along with a few smiles.
Although admittedly that might have just been a coincidence.
Be sure to report back on your exploits.
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