I like a good conspiracy theory as much as anyone, so here’s one of my own. The difference between this particular theory and others which may be out there is that this one has yet to happen, but I fully envisage it coming to fruition in the near future.

So.

As part of my latest employment with The Man I am required to spend a couple of hours every day standing on a commuter train between the merry old city of London and my weekday domicle in “armpit of Surrey” Woking.

Given that I am not alone in this form of human bondage, this means that I am accompanied by many thousands of other downtrodden souls conveyed from home to workplace in what is lightly described as “crowded” conditions. Given the option, a veal crate would provide better personal space, however that is for the time being irrelevant.

This state of affairs has been familiar to me to some extent for a few years, but it took me until today to realise something quite relevant – not least of all to the conspiratorial theorum I’ll throw down later on – it’s getting worse, and I’ve seen it happening. Truth be told there are ever increasing numbers of people moving from point A to point B at peak times in order to get to work, and this is basically down to one thing. There are more people now, and that number is increasing.

This particular train (no pun intended) of thought was undoubtedly triggered by a report I read a week or so ago which stated that the population of the UK as a whole was exploding at an unsustainable rate, and following some further research this certainly seems to be the case.

From this point of thought I considered the environment. Not, unlike some corporations, celebrities and hippies, because I necessarily want to appear to be a tree-hugging fashion follower – I have been a lapsed tree-hugger (give a damn about the environment, don’t do much about it) for a while – but because I am also well aware that the amount of waste human beings generate already is beyond what can be adequately dealt with.

So, more humans means even more assholes in suits getting in my way on the tube and more of this green and pleasant land turned into a landfill site.

Fab.

But my memory for random and disturbing trivia was not done with me yet, not by a long way. It decided to then show me one of my favourite cards – the Hubbert Peak Oil Theory – which is an absolute blinder.

For those not familiar with the concept of peak oil, the theory (summarised by myself in hatchet-fashion) states that given that there are a finite number of oil fields available on the planet, and that oil from those fields can only be extracted at a finite rate there must be effectively a maximum amount of oil that can be extracted at once. Pretty obvious. However, what happens when demand outstrips supply? Prices rise.

A lot. While this will undoubtedly affect us all “at the pumps” it’s ramifications will be felt far more broadly given that plastic is effectively an oil-based product. And this doesn’t just affect you and I, Joe Q Consumer, it also makes governments decidedly twitchy as they too are having to spend more for all that governmental oil usage they like.

Here’s the bad news regarding Peak Oil. We’re pretty much there already, and given the rapidly developing economies of China and India (in particular, but not exclusively) demand is increasing constantly.

So, demand for oil is increasing, and population numbers are increasing, and this is not a Good Thing™ for your friend and mine, The Man, being as we’re now just getting in the way, using up all His oil and making the place a mess.

With this in mind, I put myself in the position of being The Man and wondering how exactly this multi-faceted problem could be resolved. Yes, obviously swipe the oil from an oil-producing nation if possible, but that doesn’t help with the population problem now does it? What is needed here is some kind of massive population decrease, which would 1 – lower the demand for oil, 2 – mean there are fewer people and 3 – mean there is less pollution and environmental wreckage done.

The easy choice would then be to orchestrate a war of some description between Us and Them. This could be started by staging some act-of-war type events perpetrated by a group (since you can’t fake a nation doing something like this) whose members who have another common denominator. Build up some hatred over a few years by staging a few incidents that get people killed in an horrific fashion, then suddenly work out it’s a couple of countries involved too and get stuck in after reintroducing the draft.

Perfect.

Except it’s not. Wars tend to make a mess. And half the purpose here is to make less mess. We don’t, after all, want to trash the country, just get rid of a suitable percentage of its inhabitants. 50% ought to do it.

The answer then, is a plague. Some kind of fatal yet curable rapid spreading killer should take care of business and leave us all a bit more breathing space. We’ve got scientists for a reason, let’s get them working on sorting the planet out in a direct fashion.

There you go, a good solid conspiracy theory. It’d be all fun and games and worth a quick smile of relief were it not for the fact that there aren’t any other workable solutions for the short term. With the population continuing to rise and demand for oil growing constantly, peak oil is inbound fast, at which point there will be a rapid economic collapse in the west, followed by a war for oil and civil wars, rioting, police states, all manner of nightmarish scenarios. Alternative energy sources will take decades to be in a position to replace oil as the power of the world, even then it won’t be adopted by the billion-population economic powerhouses as it’ll be too costly to implement. Not to mention that oil isn’t only used for power.

So, “oh bugger”, it is then.

No related posts.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 18th, 2007 at 1:58 pm and is filed under Soapbox, Travelling. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.