Surviving The Triffid Apocalypse
This is the first in what will undoubtedly be a series of guides written by yours truly on the subject of surviving inevitable apocalyptic events in the future. What is unknown is the nature of said inevitable apocalyptic event, so we’ll take no chances and cover as much as possible. In this first installment we’ll be suggesting the right course of action to be taken in the inevitable apocalyptic event that the whole world is blinded by astronomical phenomena and triffids take over.
Unlike the recently televised morons’ attempt to capitalise on the inevitable takeover of this glorious island nation by carnivorous cabbages, this guide will set you up to not only survive triffid-lead armageddon but prosper if the antics of the dramatised post-apocalypse are anything to go by.
Let’s start with some basics.
You may be tempted to head towards a big city in order to thwart the triffid menace. This is a bad idea for several reasons, not least of all that the miscreant plants are attracted to dense concentrations of humans, but additionally because it’ll be full of implausible sociopaths trying to take over the place. Don’t worry, you’ll be able to take over places later on, largely because most of the implausible sociopaths will have been eaten by triffids if you follow these simple tips. Rule 1, then is stay out of big cities as they’ll be full of assholes. The other side benefit to following this rule is that the triffids will be so busy consuming the population of greater suburbia that you should have a fairly uneventful journey to the promised land.
The thing that terrifies normal people most about triffids is that they can move. Yes, this is pretty scary stuff. They move at almost walking speed which can cause you a fair amount of trouble if for some reason you find yourself unable to watch where you’re going. Say, for example, if you’d recently been blinded by exciting astronomical events. If, however, this hasn’t happened and are still in full control of your eyesight the simple rule of thumb here is to watch where you’re going.
As any triffid farmer knows (it’s pretty much the first thing they teach you in triffid farming school) the nasty plants will attempt to sting you in the face. Fortunately, this hazard is easily offset through the use of a pair of goggles or other eye-protecting facemask of some description. Basically, if you’re outside wear eye protection and in doing so you render the average triffid 50% less dangerous.
To counter the other 50% of the triffids’ high levels of dangerousness it is prudent to carry a weapon of some description. With this being the apocalypse and all you will undoubtedly be tempted to procure one of the many firearms left lying around by all and sundry. If you’re from an unarmed country, such as the United Kingdom, this will probably appeal a great deal since guns are kinda cool and you get to pretend to be Bruce Willis, or maybe do some Chow Yun Fat sideways jumping firing two Glock 9mms at the same time. Sadly however, firearms are only really useful against the aforementioned implausible sociopaths and against plants they’re less effective. Therefore you need only consider packing a shotty if you have not followed rule 1, and if you’ve failed to follow rule 1 you deserve everything you get.
Consider, if you will, what a pair of sideways jumping Chow Yun Fat Glock 9mms will do to the average plant – knock a couple of leaves off? Maybe put a hole in a twig or branch or whatever? This is not exactly the most lethal thing to your average triffid about town. You may possibly consider a flamethrower, I know I would, however as effective as this would undoubtedly be and as much fun you’d have kicking mother nature in the nuts with the kneecap of napalm, and as handy it’d be when camping out to have a ready made camp fire on the go the big problem you’ll find here is that flamethrowers run out of fuel, particularly at times where dramatic suspense is required.
Where does this leave us? Melee weapons. Specifically bladed melee weapons. Again, your inclination is going to be towards the apocalypse favourite chainsaw, or as a backup a cordless hedgetrimmer and sure enough these will do the job, but once again you run the risk of running out of fuel at a critical moment. If you’ve followed all the advice so far these critical moments should be few and far between, but it’ll inevitably happen as sure as armageddon itself is inevitable.
This brings us to the remaining 50% of a triffid’s lethality : tendril-like roots designed to trip you up then drag you towards their gaping maw. This is a pretty grisly way to go, but can easily be avoided by using a pair of secaturs (gardening scissors, to those of you who are not as horticulturally sophisticated as I) deployed at the right moment and waddyaknow, you’re free again. It’s not an especially aggressive weapon, but then we’re talking about uppity rubber plants here, not a slavering hell beast with lasers for eyes. Obviously you’ll have your work cut out for you taking down an errant triffid using secaturs alone, although it will undoubtedly be quite satisfying, so you should probably consider a machete, axe, butcher knife, sword or predator discus as your primary weapon. With this you can not only stop it from ensnaring your legs should the need arise, you can also slash the bugger to death for recreation. Our final rule, then, is take a bladed weapon.
No goggles, carrying a shotty, in the city. What not to do.
By following these simple rules you’ll have a relatively triffid-free apocalypse and can concentrate on looting supermarkets and pulling handbreak turns in exotic sports cars while avoiding being chased by Mad Max-esque implausible sociopaths, not that they’ll pose too much of a threat since they’ll be in London, not wearing a face mask and carrying an Uzi.
Stay safe, use your loaf.
Signing out,
Commander Erasmus Leviathon
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