While I was promised by the Orange Customer Service Automaton that I would receive a response within 24 hours I had to wait 144 hours for the enlightening feedback from their expert front line customer experience and satisfaction staff.

If you missed out on round 1 of this particular customer satisfaction experiment you should go catch up first.

So, it seems that Orange are going to put up a fight in this case as they’ve battered me with every form of automated response possible. The first came out of the blue and, I suspect strongly, was a pure coincidence and arrived by SMS on the day of my original complaint, it read :

Hello from Orange. Best Plan is our free service that reviews your mobile usage every 6 months to make sure you’re getting the best value. We’ve just completed your review and the good news is that already on the best value Orange Talkplan for you.

Those with excessive memories may recall my thoughts on my current talkplan, so I went to check out further details online at which point Orange were more than happy to recommend a new plan for me. Awesome! They currently believe I should upgrade from the cute forest Racoon 40 to the cuddly wildlife Racoon 70 – that’s right they think that rather than the 1200 “free” minutes I score now (of which, last month I used 17) I might be happier having 3000 “free” minutes per month. No extra texts, no extra bandwidth, just extra awesomeness. Thanks Orange, I think I’ll pass.

Then, 6 days after my initial contact with Orange’s ninja-like and top flight customer service department I received the reply I had been waiting for, which I dissect here for your pleasure :

Dear Mr Bennett, Thank you for your email regarding your HTC Hero handset.

Well, so far so good. They got my name right and correctly identified the handset I was bitching about.

I am sorry that you are experiencing various issues with your phone and apologise for any inconvenience caused.

Well, it’s really only one issue with the phone – that being that it’s crap, but I accept your apology for now.

Please be reassured that I can appreciate your frustration in this matter and I am sorry for the difficulties you have encountered.

I am reassured, seriously. I was pretty cool after your initial apology, but sure thing, I’ll accept this one as well.

May I advise you that I can appreciate your frustration in this matter and I am sorry for the difficulties you have encountered.

Dude, are you okay? I mean, I know I went on a bit in my original complaint, but it’s fine. Just tell me where we go from here and all is forgiven.

Whilst I can appreciate your concerns, regrettably it is not possible to fully investigate this matter, or pass you details to the appropriate department by email. I am sorry for any disappointment that this may cause.

Fucking WHAT!? I sent you a perfectly legible and polite mail in the hope that it’d fox you and you’d escalate it to someone who I could make a deal with. I mean, no offense to you in the slightest but you were never going to be the guy who resulted in my getting consumer satisfaction.

Worse still I have to phone you guys up now? I’ve done that before and it’s like pulling teeth. I’ve nothing against India, or Indian call centres or outsourcing or overseasing or whatever else people are calling getting a cheap service these days, but rarely have I found that the outsourced guys understand the nuances of what I’m after and, this is particular to you Orange, every previous call I’ve made to your CS folks there has been an enormous amount of noise on the line which when mentioned you’ve countered with “we believe it’s being fixed soon”.

You know that’s a lie, I know that’s a lie, so just pack it in.

In order to have a full diagnostic check completed on the fault and to be advised on the options that are available to you, please contact Orange customer services on 150 from any Orange pay monthly phone or 07973100150 from a landline and our helpdesk will assist you. This line is open from 8 am to 10 pm seven days a week.

I’ve done my own diagnostic good sir and here are the results : 1, this phone sucks, 2, this contract is crap and since I’ve got to serve 18 more months before I get parole from it I’ve opted to play the “I’ve been a good customer now sort me out” card rather than meekly accept the shaft that you’ve given me.

I am sorry that it is not possible to investigate your concerns by email, however I trust that this issue will be resolved to your satisfaction shortly.

No you’re not. This is the 5th macroed apology line you’ve fed me, this is not a personal response, you have not responded to my particular concerns, you took 6 days to come back to my original complaint with nothing fucking useful and so now there will be no more Mr Nice Sam By Email. I shall be blunt with you, and you had better be responsive, because if I have to phone you bastards up I really won’t be happy.

Kind regards,
Ian
Orange Online Services

Your name is no more Ian than mine is Faruq. The response from yours truly…

Dear Ian,
Many thanks for your email, however I do not believe you have identified my particular concerns. Here they are in short :
1 – The HTC Hero is a BAD PHONE
2 – The Racoon 40 contract is not suited to my phone uses
3 – I have been a loyal Orange pay monthly customer for 10 years and as such would like to arrange a change of my contract and phone.
4 – I am not unreasonable

If you are unable to help with this concern, do not refer me to your phone lines as I do not have that kind of time to waste. Instead please escalate this case to a superior who may be able to help. Alternatively you can try me on my customer grievance line between the hours of 6pm and 10pm.

Best wishes

Faruq

Sam vs Orange : round 2, 10.0 out of 10 based on 5 ratings

Related posts:

1. Sam vs Orange : round 1

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010 at 8:00 am and is filed under Against The Wall, Ranty, Service. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.