Shoes are important. They are delightful extensions of your very soul. They change your mood. They can be both a weapon and fuzzy comfort. They bring you endless happiness and never once do they drunk call you or want a lift to the station at 6am.

Clearly this is not Sam writing. Not without a lot of hormone replacement and some sort of hair weave.

This is not the writer of this article.

In every 500 pairs of shoes out there, 353 are vile and cheap, 145 are vile and expensive, 1 pair shine until you put them on and realise you hate them, and the other pair is your instant ticket to obsessional love.

There is a magnetic pull to shoe shops. It’s a lesser pull than diamond shops but I live with pipe dreams and wishful ponies, so shoes is it. Men, you know of the sudden and insistent steering women do in shopping centres. You do it for GAME, you know it well. Women can watch pictures of shoes in online stores spin around in their 3D close up image environment and get a dizzy high from the endorphin rush. Men do not. Science will one day reveal that of the 78 genes which divide men from women, one gene is called ‘Shoe Dampener’. It means the genders look at everything differently.

‘I hate her shoes.’

So it is with heavy sorrow that after three years of looking I discover that Irregular Choice have failed me this Spring. Again. IC are froufrou and spiders, stupid frills and ladybirds, 4 inch heels and ankle strap cute. Their shoes are mental and beautiful. They blend psychotic with brilliant and clearly that sort of twisted mashup is good with me. So long ago, I saw a pair of shoes and I liked them a lot. I didn’t buy them and now they are gone, Ark of the Covenant style.

Indy is now too old to find them.

Every March I go looking for their return, and it’s a wasted full afternoon of Google browsing while I should be working.  3 years of that sort of searching and it’s perfectly obvious with my high end salary and mind like a laser, I’m wasting quite a lot of business time and money. I blame Irregular Choice. That’s a lot of money three different companies are owed.

Inspired by the Consumer Champion, I sent this letter to IC, via their horrifically slow and overly colourful website. Undeterred by their crashing contact box, I stuck it in a blog comment box. The power of this consumer is unleashed and finally Web 2.0 has a purpose beyond ChatRoulette.

“Hi there IC. I tried to send this to you by your lovely contact me box but it crashed on sending. Sorry. It’s connected to your article – ish!

I am a long time convert to your shiny dazzle of shoes, which continue to bring gasps and aaahhs and little sighs to all (women) who see them.

A few years ago you had a summer shoe call Riff Raff. It was girlie and gothy, it was violent if you looked close enough, it was a secret of ruffle and skulls (not spiders). I missed the order and it was then gone forever.

Every spring since, I search the net looking for a pair of lovely size 6’s. Every spring I hope beyond hope you’ve replenished this range and brought it back for all who missed it. Every spring I am disappointed.

When a pair turns up on Ebay they’re called RARE. Blogs refer to them in links and news and excited kitteny yearnings.

Why are they rare? Why haven’t you brought them back? I want to give you money and wear the best looking summer shoes on Earth.

Please bring them back, find me a pair, send me a link, or even just reply saying next year, maybe next year?”

Will there be a happy ending? Will I find a pair? I’m not even sure I LIKE them as much as I did even 1095 days ago, but for the love of all things HOLY I should have the ability to make a rash purchase. Smoking, drinking and rash purposes. Addictions everyone needs to wrestle with.

The Holy Grail. Shoe. Go with it.

Oh, one last thing. I dare any woman alive to say they have never fallen in love, taken them home and stroked them all evening because they can’t stop idolising them. Shoes that is. Men are busy cleaning the oven.

Stay tuned.

Shoes, 9.0 out of 10 based on 4 ratings

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010 at 9:15 pm and is filed under Not What You're Looking For. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.