Domesticated Badass Introduction
People sometimes say to me, “Hey Sam, why do you describe yourself as a domesticated badass? What does that even mean?” It’s a fair question and given the fact that I subtitle this page as the home of domesticated badass I believe it warrants further information.
In this first of several articles on the subject I intend to provide a broad description of what a domesticated badass is, why they’re desirable and how you too can go about becoming one. That said, this isn’t Fight Club and in the same way that one does not simply walk into Mordor the varied lifestyle choices and personality traits described herein may be striven towards but ultimately are either part of you already or they aren’t.
So, let’s get this out of the way from the get go; a domesticated badass is male. More than that, the domesticated badass is a man.
Sorry girls, but it’s a fact. There is undoubtedly a female equivalent, but you’ll have to work out what that’s called for yourselves as it’s not my responsibility. I will however accept nominations and give my instinctual verdict thereon as is my want.
In essence, the domesticated badass is the finely tuned and scarcely logical balance between two opposing forces : not giving a shit and giving a shit. It could also be described as a conflict between order and chaos, but that would be a horrific cliché, and as such it is not welcome here, nor anywhere near this initial guide.
The giving (or not) of a shit is paramount in this description because it is almost wholly inaccurate. That which is given a shit about is often done in a don’t give a shit fashion, while that to which no shit is offered may be deeply given a shit about. This statement is intentionally self-conflicting because much of this is on a subconscious level – if you’re doing it deliberately, in the hunt toward domesticated badassery you’re doing it wrong.
You’d like a more plain-spoken explanation now? Less of the cod-zen word mangling? Right then.
Let’s start with the domesticated element of this title. Please take it as read that in the Powerpoint version of this I have both the Oxford English Dictionary and Wikipedia definitions of “domesticated” as my first slide. I won’t do it here, because that would be lame. Your forbearance is noted.
In this sense, domesticated means a healthy dose of the hateful 90s Cosmo/GQ fabricated “new man”. It means the ability to cook, clean, do laundry, be good with kids, and pay moderate attention to your appearance. Yes, this may even extend into the recent invention of “male grooming”. Now all these things are well within the grasp of the majority of men, and in fact carried out to a lesser extent by virtually all of them. It is, however, the extent and competence to which these activities are carried out that makes the difference.
It is not enough to simply perform these tasks and activities in a perfunctory fashion, rather the it is the level to which they’re taken. Secondly, be wary of becoming overly fastidious, or excessively adept in any one area as you cross the line from domesticated into something else. Examples, as ever, offer illumination.
Cooking is a fine piece of evidence to first consider. So let’s say you’re making spaghetti bolognaise, a “dish” that a chimp could make, it is not enough to be able to take minced beef, tomatoes, onions and pasta and declare yourself domesticated. No. There should be some artistry involved; some personal experience based extra layer to the way it is made or how you time it cooking or add flavour to it – something that makes your personal spaghetti bolognaise yours. You should not, however, stray into the territory of milling your own flour to make the pasta while harvesting sun-ripened tomatoes from the vine in your back garden you reserve specifically for this recipe and employ onions imported from the fields of Uzbekistan as they perfectly complement as they perfectly complement the subtle textures of the hand reared calves of the Outer Hebrides which is where your minced beef originates. Organically. No friend, if you’ve gone to these lengths you have strayed beyond domesticated into being a ponce.
Similarly, in the realm of “male grooming” you are quite right to use a particular razor and shaving gel combination that you have found yields the desired result, however there should be more technique involved than simple foam on, foam off. You are also fine to have preferential brands of hair “product”, aftershave, shower gel and so forth, all of which should be used in specific, person, tried and tested fashions. You could also consider a daily regime involving exfoliation, moisturising, cleansing, scrubbing, cold-compressing, styling and caressing but that would move you from domestication into being a big nancy.
Remember, what we’re talking about here is the balance between giving a shit and not giving a shit.
As a quick litmus test, take a look at the fashion section of any well-to-do man’s magazine (if you think I mean FHM, you can stop reading this article any time and go back to the drinking your Stella). Is your response :
A : Aha, I see skinny, low waisted jeans are in this season
B : That jacket really doesn’t work with a mauve tshirt
C : I think I could really pull off that neckerchief look
Well?
Actually, it’s a blindingly obvious trick question. If you answered anything other than “what the christ are these assholes wearing?” you have strayed way too far. On occasion I may also accept “That jacket is pretty decent, but what the fuck does he think he looks like?” However this is highly unlikely because all male models in well to do men’s magazines are skinny.
A badass is not skinny.
If you are skinny, stop reading and start the following lifestyle change : eat more meat and potatoes, lift some heavy stuff, grow a beard and do some form of exercise that makes you muddy. Yes, mud-wrestling is acceptable. Yes, even if your opponent is another man. Once you’re no longer skinny, but instead look like a man, you may continue.
So what is a badass other than man-sized? By and large, a badass is a hybrid of 5 or more of the following adjectives : rugged, uncompromising, confident, fearless, cunning, scholarly, gung-ho, demanding, daring, loud, bold, challenging, vigorous, humourous, talented, unhinged, wise, secure, experienced, assured, strong-willed, decisive, charming, unflappable, poised, commanding and many other synonyms besides.
Also worth noting is the scarcity of badasses who are renowned for the frequency that they smile.
If you identified only with scholarly, talented, experienced, charming and confident you’re only just scraping in – please go hit something with an axe until you feel a subconscious primal swelling of some description and you can come back.
These are all desirable badass traits, naturally. There are other, slightly less desirable character flaws that would still classify the bearer as a badass, but likely rule them out of any domestication.
With these two descriptions (domesticated and badass, pay attention) in mind you now have some idea about what we’re talking about.
You might think “aha, Gordon Ramsay” but you’d be wrong. Gordon Ramsay is not a domesticated badass. Gordon Ramsay is an uppity cook. Similarly, I’m sure Jamie Cullum ticks a fair few boxes, however he definitely needs to hit something with an axe and more than likely has Sophie Dahl dressing him from the pages of Cosmo For Men. Maybe then I’m referring to a Jason Statham kinda guy? Doubtful. I suspect that while Mr Statham is often portrayed as a badass of some variety, he’s probably shit at ironing and most likely moisturises.
To convey what we’re after here, I present you a visual example.
Badass
Domesticated Badass
Way too domestic. No longer badass.
It’s a fairly simplistic example, but hopefully and for the purposes of this introduction you get the idea.
Any questions?
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