Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse: The Escape
In the previous instalment of the The Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse Indispensible Guide To The Survival Thereof I covered weaponry in somewhat vague detail. Now, armed as you should be with your trusty coffee table we come to the second part of this plan for your survival – legging it.
Right, first things first.
You have undoubtedly seen a movie in which our plucky heroes are holed up in a house, and it could be your house, with all the windows and doors barricaded in a bid to outlast the zombie uprising. On the surface this isn’t a bad idea – after all your house is probably where you keep all your stuff, so you know where things are. You probably also have all manner of utensils and paraphernalia that with some imagination could be retasked into service for staving off an incursion by the recently deceased. Not to mention the fact that you’ll likely have a coffee table somewhere.
Deadly in the right hands
Yes, superficially this isn’t a bad place to start except that Tuesday is the day you do your shopping, and today is Monday so all you have left in the cupboard is a near-empty box of cornflakes, while your fridge contains salad cream and a carton of eggs that were most likely laid by a hen which has long since died of old age. So, unless you plan on eating your sofa, or estimate that this apocalypse will have blown over in a day or two you’re going to starve to death.
The other major downside here is that except in the most unusual of circumstances your house will have other houses nearby and those domiciles will contain (at least for now) other people. And this, friends is an important lesson to learn – other people are the ones who are most likely to either zombify and come at you through the patio doors or break in, kill you and make off with your salad cream. The zombies care not for such condiments.
Place yourself in the protagonist’s role in any zombie movie you care to mention and almost without exception you’ll gather a motley band of followers who either screw up and get everyone killed by zombies, decide to do things their way and get everyone killed by zombies, opt to go foraging for supplies leaving a door open to allow everyone to get killed by zombies or just plain try to kill everyone when that bite they were hiding turns them into a zombie while they’re “on watch”.
So, let’s start by doing 2 things – 1, getting somewhere where food is plentiful and 2, getting the fuck away from other people.
Yes, this immediately rules out that wet dream you had regarding the local shopping mall, or supermarket, or home supply warehouse because sadly everyone else has seen those movies too.
Right, since we’re getting the hell out in a hurry let’s just pack the essentials: a hammer, nails, saw, clockwork torch, 20ft of rope, dagger of +3 to zombie killing, dustbin lid – think Dungeons and Dragons here; those hardy adventurers could deal with dragons and shit, you only have to outpace a few thousand shambling corpses. Remembering that a good shoving weapon will be far more use in the long run than your solar powered hedge trimmer (but bring that too anyway). Fundamentally bring clothes, comfortable footwear and maybe a sleeping bag. Also pack the salad cream.
Then load it all up into your transportation of choice. Which is not what you’re hoping.
Not that kind of apocalypse, sorry
As much as you may hope it all goes a bit Mad Max just remember how many people in any of those movies actually ended up not being a mangled wreck inside a mangled wreck by the end. Also consider these two blatantly obvious points – 1: you will run out of fuel. 2: when many vehicles try to go the same way (in this case “elsewhere”) at the same time they all stop. This turns your urban assault vehicle into an urban assault coffin.
This is the most desirable transportation come the apocalypse.
Perfect for all terrain
It might not look like much but it’s reliable, goes fast enough to outrun the most rapid-moving of shuffling cadaver, doesn’t run out of fuel and will end up costing you far less than a gym subscription. You’ll be losing weight anyway, and this will ensure that what muscle you retain is lean and toned. Yes, you may prefer a BMX or some other two wheeled and stylish variety of transportation, but frankly the ability to load this most retro of cycles up with stuff will make the dubious fashion statement you’re making an irrelevance. Not to mention the fact that it stays standing up without having to lean on anything. And comes with a nice basket.
Right, we have stuff, we have transport, where are we going? Away from other people, that’s a given, but you want somewhere with fresh water, the ability to grow food (and potentially keep chickens), and build some form of inaccessible yet insulated living accommodation. So on your way there be sure to raid a garden centre, a chicken farm and somewhere that sells the parts for easily constructed, fortified and insulated sheds that are transportable by tricycle.
It’s at this point I introduce the audience participation element of the survival guide as I ask you to imagine that all this stuff went off without a hitch and you found your way to the farming nirvana on a rocky outcropping (near a waterfall) where the climate is pleasant and you’ve erected your shed. And chicken coop. And your recently planted crop of swede is coming along nicely.
Done that?
Good because I’m not going to tell you where to set up this marvellous campsite, because I plan to go there myself and don’t want any of you people supposedly tagging along and going a bit bitey when it’s your turn “on watch”.
In the final part of this guide I will talk you through the dark times. Those you spend waiting for civilisation to return, during which you’ll face nature head on, deal with interloping zombies and write depressing poetry.
She’s going to make it – are you?
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