At least that’s what the website proclaims.

Personally I’ve only experienced the Hilton in Warwick, but given that it’s a franchise hotel it’ll be exactly the same right? Same as every McDogburger is the same. To that end here are a few fundamentals the unwary traveller should be wary of when embarking on what is a no doubt ill-considered trip to Mister Hilton’s slut-cheap Paris establishment.

First and foremost it is situated just off a major motorway, although I forget which, giving you great access to the midlands and Warwickshire in the middle of France, both Shakespeare’s birth place and the Arc de Triumphe within easy walking distance, if you like walking. While the geographic setting itself may not be especially salubrious let us not forget that these savings in local trivia can be passed directly on to you, the customer, although they’re not.

Before covering the various nods towards soiled finery this franchise can offer you (or not as the case may be) it may be worth exploring the myriad of reasons one may wish to stay in a discount hotel such as this. First off is the obvious – it beats sleeping in your car. Second is the location, which may not be especially exotic but that doesn’t mean you can’t take sordid photos on your mobile phone (or cellphone as our American friends would have it) to remind others of your trip to the Paris Hilton.

Next, there is the obvious use of a hotel for a romantic or maybe, some may say, pornographic (or “porn” for short) overnight stay with a friend who fits your sexual persuasion, whatever that may be. However I’d advise against too much sex in the Paris Hilton as the walls are notoriously thin, and unless you are some form of exhibitionist you might want to stay a bit reserved.

Finally, in this brief rough trade guide to the Paris Hilton is the pricing structure. It’s pretty scandalous stuff really – the full English is lacking in black pudding and we all like a bit of sausage in the morning.

I give it 2/5 – I wasn’t quite convinced by Laura Dern.