I don’t care that it’s an obvious choice. Showgirls is a baaad movie.

Regulars to this part of the internet will be more than aware that I have constructed a list of tasks to complete before I eventually croak. Yes, the good old 10 things to do before one dies, idea.

On that list is included one task I have now completed : Watch Showgirls Five Times Back To Back.

Why would you do this? You may well ask. Simply because I wanted to make sure I had on my list something that nobody else would possibly ever want to do, and thus become the only man alive to have accomplished it. I can honestly rest my hand on my heart and say that nobody else in the world has ever watched this movie five times back to back including credits with one interruption of 3 minutes per showing, while paying attention. And I have witnesses.

So why pick this movie of all movies? Because it’s so very bad. When I first saw this film I watched it out of curiosity because I’d heard it was terrible. So I got fairly drunk, watched it and couldn’t for the life of me understand why this woman was freaking out all the time for no reason whatsoever. Two things I did know – first, I wanted them all to put their clothes back on and second, it was one of the dullest films I’d ever sat through.

This combination of dull, with inexplicable mood swings, poor acting, terrible scripting and so much unerotic nudity you just want them to get dressed is the worst film I had come into contact with. And I’ve seen a few stinkers.

So, a full review is in order given that I have achieved this most unlikely of objectives.

The story, such as it is, is that young and psychotic Nomi Malone (made up name, her real name is Polly somethingorother) gets a lift into Vegas, gets her shit ripped off, makes a new best friend while FLIPPING OUT for no real reason, becomes a stripper, becomes an exotic dancer, becomes lead exotic dancer with an exotic lover and his exotic pool and exotic car, has her new best friend sexually assaulted in a brief (and disturbingly humourous) gang rape session, then fucks off and gets a lift from the guy who ripped off her shit. The end.

What does she learn? Beats the hell out of me.

You could look at it as a rights of passage, small-town girl learns the rules of the big town, underdog wins the day, that kind of hokey shit, but to be honest how can anyone say the experience changed her? She arrived with a hidden criminal record for soliciting, drug use and assault with a deadly weapon, while she’s in Vegas she’s a stripper, assaults the lead dancer to get the gig (because she’s sleeping with the man signing the cheques) and then beats the shit out of the guy who raped her pal. After this she leaves town to do what? Given the pattern of behaviour, more of the goddamn same.

There is one moment which is indicative of the film as a whole. Our protagonist’s new-found best pal comes bounding out of *somewhere* to announce
“I got an A. Four more [somethings] and they gotta give me the degree.”

This is what we like to call character explanation. It falls too late in the film to be exposition so it’s gotta be development of some kind. While I could go into further detail about all the other instances of the storyline construction being awful I won’t, suffice to say the fact that lead-slapper’s pal is studying for something is never mentioned again. Not once.

Bad films from Hollywood are pretty easy to find, but something which fails to be entertaining and falls into dull despite having pretty much non-stop sex and nudity is doing something seriously wrong.

I’d write more, but even thinking about it makes me lose the will to live.

Read the full play-by-play of watching Showgirls Five Times Back To Back here.