People sometimes ask me why I loathe Reese Witherspoon, and I tell them that she is the embodiment all much that I hate about Hollywood celebrity. First off, she has no discernable talent aside from being annoying, blond, and annoying, and while she does this exceptionally well it does not really count as a talent.

This presentation is brought to you in association with Marlboro™, “Cruel Intentions” and an axe

Come to think of it, nobody has ever asked me why I loathe Reese Witherspoon.

Because there’s no need to ask. It’s obvious.

Anyway, I decided last year that I was going to demonstrate my hatred of Witherspoon by throwing an axe through a television that was showing a Reese Witherspoon movie. A bold act of symbolism that would forever be remembered by those who were available to witness it.

The selection of movie was critical, but I had assistance, and when it came down to it there really was only once choice (although any of the Legally Blonds would have done fine) – Cruel Intentions.

Not only is it a diabolical travesty of a movie that rips off one of the greatest movies ever made (Dangerous Liasons), but it also stars Sarah Michelle One Trick Pony Gellar, making this doubly important to get right as I was almost playing for double money. I’m coming for you next Gellar, you vapid whore.

With that selection made, I got me a TV, a DVD player, a suitable location and an axe ready to do the necessary.

The “thumbs up” is the international symbol for “this is gonna be cool”

Some background on the events of the day. The previous evening had seen a large amount of frivolity, consumption of dubious milkshakes and general misbehaviour, as such many of those present were what could best be described as “hungover”.However this does not excuse the fact that all those who decided to attend this monumental undertaking were, with the exception of myself, not exactly getting into the spirit of the thing. Some quotes for example :
“Are you sure you should be doing this inside?”
“Sam, this is really dangerous”
“Why don’t you hit it from the side instead, I don’t want it to bounce back and kill you”

The list says “throw an axe” not “throw an axe safely”, or “taking all necessary safety precautions carefully destroy a television a little bit”. I am not allowed to interpret the list I have created for to suit my own cowardice, it must always be done with the full spirit of misadventure at play. I did, however take the quite sensible route of removing the two tyres from under the TV as rubber+hurled axe is a recipe for hospital.

Excellent.

So, next thing to do was to check that I could, in fact, hit a stationary target with an axe thrown at velocity from a range of around 8 feet.

The answer, a somewhat alarming “no”. If I threw carefully I could hit the beer can I was aiming for, but I suspected strongly that I’d need to proper lob the axe in order to penetrate the cathode ray tube.This was cause for much debate among the gathered dignitaries who, once again, were certain this endeavor would end in a hospital trip for yours truly, and moreover that I would also fail to accomplish the task at hand. I pointed out once again that they should just shut up and let me get on with it.

Game time.

I started out by throwing it really hard at the screen, while my friends/family/cowardly audience hid inside the house watching from behind windows. First throw, a good effort impacting the plastic at the top of the TV, worryingly however I failed to make much of a dent. This was one tough TV.

So I adjusted my aim and threw again, this time missing entirely, hitting the floor and causing an exciting riccochet. Third throw, much the same.

At this point I started to think that this was silly, so I assured the crowd that if I hadn’t hit it by the fifth attempt I’d give up and hit it from the side.

Attempt 4, missed.

Attempt 5, missed.

At which point I got a bit annoyed with this game. Instead of hitting it from the side I went for rapid fire throwing, figuring the TV must have been dodging my attempts somehow, and while success was not immediate, around 2 throws later….

Became

Success!

And a bloody good success at that. This was no glancing blow, this was full on straight through the front of the screen thrown at full pelt success. Naturally I claimed the victory by bouncing around the room arms aloft and celebrating, however what was left of the television, which was still very much attached to the electrical grid was making sinister buzzing and popping noises, in the way that tells your subconcious “I’m going to blow up soon”.

It was also dishing out an increasing amount of smoke.

So, enough of playing Mister Risky, I opted to pull the plug rapido rather than hang around to see what would happen.

So there you have it.

Sam vs Witherspoon, Sam wins.

Sam vs Witherspoon, 9.0 out of 10 based on 1 rating